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Worthy investments for any Videophiliac's library:

Blood Bullets Buffoons     Erotic Witch Project     The Gosh Darned Mortgage     In the Flesh     Polymorph     Vampire Time Travelers

The Gosh Darned Mortgage

In the wonderful days of yore (1914) Pearl White starred in silent damsel-in-distress films. They were recaptured with sound and more advanced editing techniques in 1934, White having been replaced by Evelyn Knapp. White's adventures were (somewhat) chronicled in 1947's musical version of the Perils of Pauline with Betty Hutton.

This popular genre was revisited in 1967 as a pilot for a TV series with Pamela Austin, and the theme was even translated into cartoondom by Hanna-Barbera as Penelope Pitstop within the Wacky Races cartoon, in 1968. In 1969 she landed her own show, the Perils of Penelope Pitstop, featuring the voice of Janet Waldo (also the voice of Josie, in Josie and the Pussy Cats, 1970), as Penelope.

Although many have tried the damsel-in-distress fore', few have succeeded in staying true to the innocence of the early melodramas, until The Gosh Darned Mortgage (2001) by Pamela Sutch. She has recaptured the essence of the early films (as well as some of the stylistic dialogue) and thrown-in a touch of nudity to add to the frivolity of the micro-budget feature.

There's women bound and gagged, carried kicking and screaming, bombs, lumberyard saws, and the ol' tie-her-to-the-train-tracks trick, just to name a few of the surprises in store for you, as the story unfolds...

Pamela Sutch as Constance FairheartThe lovely Constance Fairheart (Pamela Sutch) is cleaning up her cottage on a spring day, while the sinister Solomon Snakebite (Stephen McKay) ascertains that since the fair maiden is behind on her mortgage that her "peach is ripe for the picking," because she fails the ability to pay.

Her only source of income, her bakery, mysteriously burned to the ground. He overhears her lovely singing voice and suggests that she consider making singing a career move to produce a revenue stream.

Since she declines, Snakebite counter-offers, considering himself a highly eligible bachelor, but Constance insists that her heart belongs to another, so he demands, "Then pay the gosh darned mortgage," or face foreclosure.

Constance inherits a sum of $500,000 due to unfortunate circumstances, which leaves Snakebite to conspire plots to foil her fortune. Snakebite enlists the aide of his henchman, Groggins (Michael Grieco), who helps capture the maiden. Bound by rope, Snakebite gives her one chance to change her mind, but she turns him down again. He makes her aware of his plot, by saying, "If I cannot have your heart, perhaps I can have your fortune," and produces a forged document that transfers her fortune to him.

She cries for help, as Snakebite lights the fuse to a bomb that will solve the problems of her troubled heart.

Rock Manly and Debbie D as the Bellhop

A Dudley-Do-Rightish, Rock Manly (Patrick M. O'Connor), arrives in the nick-of-time (complete with early Canadian Mounty attire) to defuse the bomb and save the day.

Solomon hears that Manly has come to her rescue and offered her safe haven. He comes up with another dastardly plan.

Unbeknownst to Manly and Fairheart, they secretly harbor feelings of true love for one another, each not feeling worthy of the others charms.

The bellhop (Debbie D) at the Five Star Hotel delivers an urgent message to Manly stating that his services are needed immediately to assist widow Frenshaw. The trap is sprung at the widow's ranch and the dastardly duo capture Manly in a net and tie him up in the stable. Then, to add insult to injury, abscond with his trusty steed, Gumdrop. The widow's daughter (Rebecca Anderson) discovers Manly bound in the stable, frees him and lends him her fastest horse.

Constance receives an urgent message to meet Manly at the lumberyard. They capture her and take her (kicking and squealing) to be restrained, spread eagle affront a nasty-looking saw-blade that left unattended will split her straight down the middle. With her dress lifted up, the saw-blade makes its way further between her tender thighs - of course, Rock Manly shows up to save the day just in time.

Groggins fetches Snakebite's sister, Sinestra (Tina Krause), to see if she can seduce Manly. She's no match for Manly's virtue as he repels the persistent advances of the, "Furry Goddess from hell."

Snakebite must find Manly. He subdues the bellhop but he can't seem to pick the lock of her mind - but Sinestra has the key - she tempts her with an unlimited credit card, 'til she can't take it any more and spills the beans.

Pamela Sutch Tied to the Railroad Tracks

An ambush renders Manly unconscious, and Snakebite ties-up Fairheart, and carries her off to the railroad tracks, as she wriggles and squeals (my favorite part). If Snakebite can't have her, no one can...

That steam whistle's blowing, and sounding closer and closer - Will Rock Manly be able to save the day?

What more can I say? This film is brilliant in its simplistic charm, and a clever homage to an era that is long gone. Even with the updated ripped dresses, panty shots, and bare bouncing boobs - Damn! That's what was missing from the original versions!

Help support this genre by getting a copy of The Gosh Darned Mortgage. You never know... if Sutch sells enough of these, we may be in store for future installments (so buy two).

Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.



Polymorph

JR Bookwalter (Dead Next Door) brings to the screen a sci-fi tale that has limited (but great) special effects (compliments of Digital Armageddon) combined with a clandestine drug operation. This Ohio-made film is a genuine gem and would make a great addition to any video addict's library.

How much more fun can you have watching a flick that sports aliens, gun battles, gun-wielding chicks, drugs, thugs, action, romance, intrigue, mistaken identities, special effects and dialogue that is quotable?

Invasion from Outer Space

In Polymorph (1996), an alien spacecraft launches a pod that crash-lands in the woods near an isolated residence inhabited by paranoid, cocaine-snorting Tarper (Sasha Graham), who has a, "bad feeling about this one." Drug lord, Carlos (Tom Hoover) assures her that she's just paranoid.

Meanwhile, Dr. Lester Clark (Pete Jacelone) is investigating the unidentified radar blip. When he discovers the crash site, he summons interns to assist in the investigation. Bill (Joseph A. Daw) takes the call and turns the trip into a romantic encounter, inviting his girlfriend, Alice (Jennifer Huss). He also figures that his shy/uptight friend, Ted (James L. Edwards), could use help from cupid's hand and so he invites Donna (Ariauna Albright) to come along as a blind date.

The Cast of Polymorph

Tarper's coke-sniffing is interrupted by a knock at the door. A shoot-out results in a wound to Tarper's leg and her having to push the Doc's lifeless body into the nearby swamp. Green alien goo jumps out of the swamp water and into Taper's wound, infecting her with an alien life-form.

Assuming that there's a drug bust in progress, she calls Carlos and requests reinforcements. Carlos gathers together his loyal thug, Franko (Leo Anastasio), and his favorite gun-wielding-bitch, Ragine (Pam Zitelli) and heads out to take care of the affairs at hand.

Nightfall is approaching and while the interns have showed up at the site, there's no sign of the Doc, so they decide to set-up camp. Bill, the loveable jerk, takes Alice off for a romantic walk to leave the potential love-birds some private time. Donna breaks the ice by inquiring about the condition of Ted's wiener by the firelight.

There is priceless dialogue and chemistry between Donna and Ted, that'll bring back hilariously tragic memories of how tough it is to "make it" when you're single.

The following day, the interns go on a nature walk and discover Tarper's cabin. Bill and Alice insist on checking it out. Ted agrees to go along, reluctantly, as he says, "Alright. The minute I hear Dueling Banjos, you're on your own."

Entering the cabin, the interns find Tarper dead, on the floor, surrounded by drugs - then Carlos shows up. A frenzied scuffle ensues and Bill and Donna have the upper hand just long enough to lock the gang up in the bedroom.

Ariauna Albright as Donna

Here's where the sci-fi action engine engages and it's tough to keep track of who's who because the aliens can take control of dead human tissue and replicate the appearance and personality of any live human being that is nearby.

Armed with handguns, a shotgun, and a bag o' grenades, incomprehensible alliances are formed when it is apparent that it's the humans vs. the aliens as they both struggle for survival.

Get a copy of Polymorph to call your very own, invite the boys over and ask 'em, "How's your weiner?"

Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.



Vampire Time Travelers

Les Sekely is your average everyday, smart-ass, life of the party. Why not invite him to your next party in front of the boob tube with his sophomorically hilarious Vampire Time Travelers (1998)?

Don't miss laying in a bed of digusting goo, a flesh-eating, ectoplasmic monster, spiked tennis balls, a gaggle of gags including an argument between opposing breasts, the authentic "Bite her in the Butt" music video, not to mention "The F Word," by Wonderboy, that you're likely to be caught singing in the shower.

One-liners, wordplays, clever phrasing, cheesy interaction between a variety of colorful characters - and the cutest damn script, you ever did read - all makes for a wonderful evening of entertainment, if you ask me.

Haunted by nightmares about vampires, Sue Anne Marie (J.J. Rodgers) is a student at the University pledging for the Alpha Omega sorority. It's no wonder, because her sister, Buffy, was able to overcome a bucket-o-vampires back in the day. Since then, the campus has been rid of the undead vermin. That's, of course, until...

A pair of youngsters (Taron and Josh Paddock) in search of porno magazines, accidentally unleash Natalia-the-vampire's little sister, Lorelei (Jillien Weisz), from her solemn eternal resting place. Lorelei's mission is to avenge her sister's death by killing her sister's killer's sister - (with me, so far?)

Sorority mother, Vaughn (Lynne Baker), gives a one-word-task to each of the sorority pledges. Sam (short for Sue Anne Marie) must find a key hidden somewhere, "within the bowels of the house," in order to gain access to a mysterious chest.

Lorelei is too weak to take on the sister of the vampire slayer, so she must drink the blood of sorority sisters to gain enough strength to deal with Sam.

Rock star wannabe, Zoe (Kat Facchino) treats us to the film's first shower scene, which is interrupted by Lorelei's first failed attempt to suck the blood from a victim. She is encouraged by Natalia's voice from the grave to, "bite her in the butt," where it's easier to penetrate the skin (an on-going gag throughout the film). It's just as well, because Zoe can't get a gig because her agent never calls her back.

See Les Sekely in his inspired routine as, "The Man Who Never Calls Back." This comedy bit is so good; it could actually stand on its own.

What a babe!

Sarcastically laughing bitch, Jenna (Micky Levy) - who has a mean streak and attitude so thick, you could choke on it - is the first to discover The Man in the Closet (John Griggs), another recurring comedy routine.

Because she seems to be able to transform into anything but a bat (including feces), Lorelei is put on trainee status and must pass an exam, where we learn (amongst other vampire tidbits) that a Kotex is the equivalent of a, "vampire's lunchbox."

Heidi (Ali Elk) is the gimp/geek whose tennis career was cut short by being crippled by masked assailants. While attempting to execute her revenge she is transformed into a vampire. Heidi's cocky enough to take Sam out on her own, but her attack is cut-short when the Man in the Closet trades places with the Monster Under the Bed and chainsaws her to death (off-camera, under the bed).

Through some intellectual wizardry (luck, instinct and the voice of an angel), Sam is able to locate the secret key to the mysterious chest. She finds a wooden stake, a mallet and a book inside. The book contains an incantation that allows one to travel through time, and the "what's this," "what if," but "how'd she do that," questions run amok, amidst hot and cold running babes with fangs.

Sekely might not make you laugh your guts out, but he does have a clever sense of humor and a good sense of timing, that'll leave you smiling and p'shawing.

You can get a copy of your very own by Clicking Here.

Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.



In the Flesh

Ever wonder what life was like behind-the-scenes of being a professional stripper? What makes a woman reduce herself to a wriggling piece of meat in front of hungry, frothing wolves? (I dunno, but I like it!)

In the Flesh (1994) is a day-in-the-life of a stripper that runs the gamut between household-name-wannabe, Amy Lynn, to full-fledged-adult-film-actress, Ashlyn Gere, both having the esteemed privilege of being Penthouse Pets, which gives them seniority. With this seniority, they have the added advantage of being popular "features," which means that they have a guaranteed wage, and they travel throughout the states working the circuit. Other dancers featured include Chrissy Winters, Frankie Layne, Crystalyne and Jessie.

Amy Lynn Baxter

All the questions that you would like to ask a stripper, is answered here, not only by the two headliners, but also by the loveliest girls who show you everything that they've got, in a way that only they could. Filmed at Flash Dancers and New York Dolls, you are treated to the contrast of opinions of the seasoned professional as opposed to the working-girl-next-door.

Hot chicks, hot dancing, and some of these girls, you'd be damn proud to take home to meet your mother - with, or without their clothes on! See 'em tear up the stage and make men beg. Then find out why as bad as you beg, you're not likely to get any - even if you offer them the moon/cash, cars, condos, etc...

Jessie & Chrissy

Find out how they got started, why they do it, what their background is. Ever wonder how much they make a night, what they think about when they're dancing, or why they get boob jobs? See them behind the scenes, in the dressing room, shopping for costumes, putting them on and taking them off - and you are there.

I love it when Ashlyn Gere, calls any gal who doesn't spread her legs for the camera a hypocrite. With all due respect to the stars of this feature, I think that the younger, less-experienced women leave me wanting more.

Ashlyn Gere

The soundtrack is solid and will have you singing "Playing With the Boys" along with Adrian Dodz.

Did I mention dancing? Oh, yeah - they dance (some routines with lotion and oil that are awesome). They definitely got the moves to the grooves that'll have you salivating and howling at the moon!

This is now half of a double-feature offering that has the complete, un-edited version of In the Flesh, bundled with the full-length Blood Bullets Buffoons, which also features Amy Lynn, available in your choice of VHS videocassette or DVD. (The DVD features extras that include the full dance sequences as separate entertainment choices.)

Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.



Blood Bullets Buffoons

Blood Bullets Buffoons (1996) is an early film by Zachary Snygg, who is responsible for introducing us to some lovely female bodies, the likes of which you will see in the Erotic Witch Project (1999) and In the Flesh (1994). Zach stars opposite Penthouse Playmate, Amy Lynn Baxter, who plays Natasha, the love interest of Jack (Zachary Snygg) in this riotous romp from yesteryear.

Zachary Snygg

This tender, low-ball flick was actually shot on 35mm, has great sight-gags, one-liners and pseudo-Hong-Kong-fight-scenes that are edited well enough to not slow the pace of the film. Guys will appreciate the sarcastic, general lack of respect for women in most of the dialogue. Jack has the balls to deliver the lines while in the presence of the lovely Natasha - and she still makes it with him (don't try this at home).

Jack's life is going nowhere fast (as expressed via 8mm home movies) until his father throws him out of the house, forcing him to seek gainful employment in the real world. His first interview doesn't go well, but he runs into Pete (John P. Fedele) who doesn't apologize for his straight-job of janitor, because it's only a cover for his more profitable endeavors.

Pete invites Jack to join his felonious gang and Jack agrees to be the driver on his first gig, which turns out to be a drug deal (with a great "You got the shit" schtick that rivals Abbot and Costello's "Who's On First" routine) that goes terribly awry. Jack takes the fall, gets thrown in the joint.

Snygg & Amy Lynn

From within the prison walls, we discover -along with Jack - some important lessons (like don't take a pee in a urinal, while handcuffed to a cop.) The result is an authentic "pissing match" caught on film. Jack is sentenced to life in prison because the deal went down within 100 feet of an elementary school.

Stuck in the joint, Jack finds out that Natasha is heavily involved in the gang, and is, "doing" the gang's leader, Epstein (Paul Darrigo), to boot. Haunted by his great ass (which many an inmate wants to use as a pin cushion), he foils an attempted drop-the-soap episode, honeys up to the warden (Robert Smith) and escapes, to execute revenge on his former friend, his woman and the gang.

Zachary Snygg & Pete

Which he does armed with rope, Kung-Fu, handguns and grenades. Pete lives the longest of the cohorts and suffers through every minute on film, trying to convince Jack that he is still his friend, as he is tortured along the way.

The supporting cast includes Edward Burroughs, John Fisk, Sean Donnellan, Michael L. Rasso, Joseph Dalo, Pamela Kramer and Jessica English.

Now you can get the classic buffoons video for free, with your purchase of In the Flesh, and free is a very good price.

Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.



Erotic Witch Project

"In November, 1999, three young college coeds disappeared in the woods of Bacchusville, NJ, while searching for the mythical Erotic Witch. 2 weeks later, their home video was found."

Writer/Director John Bacchus takes you inside his twisted mind (Bacchusville) to deliver an all-girl/borderline-porno-flick sung to the tune of the holy grail of independent filmmaking, the Blair Witch Project.

No doubt about it, these babes are hot (I mean HOT).

Katie Keane, Darian Caine, Victoria Vega fool around with the video equipment prior to beginning their adventure, videotaping each other, yielding Victoria's shower scene and Darian's video letter to her boyfriend (for whom she masterbates while the camera records).

Armed with camping gear and video cameras they begin their adventure to investigate the story of the Erotic Witch. They interview some o' the townsfolk who tell stories of the strange goings on in them-there woods. They report feeling everything from a "tingle in my crotch," to, "my pecker was spooked," and , "my flagpole rose higher than ever before." The investigative team videotapes each other as the story unfolds...

Darian Caine

Later that night, while snuggled cosily in their tent, Katie hears a noise and wakes Darian. Darian is the first to be overcome by the strange powers of the Erotic Witch and convinces Katie to let her touch her body.

Okay, so you're thinking that this is just another lesbo flick: not! True to Bacchus' tongue-in-cheek (or more correctly, tongue-in-muff) style. There will be moments of sarcastic, off-the-wall humor, just in case you thought for a moment about taking this film too seriously.

Somewhere in the shooting schedule, Bacchus must have noticed that there were hand-held shots with all three women in the frame, so he added a plot-twist (but I'm not tellin', you'll haf'ta see fer yersef) to account for those shots as added comic relief.

Katie Keane and Victoria Vega

The women, infected by the Erotic Witch virus, become uncontrollably overcome by raging sexual desires. Victoria sneaks off for some quality all-by-myself time. Katie pulled the shortest straw and got the blubbering, in-my-face-with-the-camcorder shot (but in this version she can't help touching herself). Darian's wandering through the woods, begging for someone to "F" her - and it escalates until all three engage in a no-holds-barred orgy by the campfire.

Now, if that ain't quality entertainment, I don't know what is.

Six boobs, so intricately intertwined that you can't tell who's whose. (Did I mention that these babes are hot?) Hey, there's somethin' for everybody. Fans of tattooed femmes will favor Darian and Victoria, while the un-tattooed-ass award goes to Katie.

This film is not intended for viewing by juveniles and they are strictly prohibited from telling their parents that they've even read this review. And, if you're wondering, Ashlyn Gere would NOT consider these women hypocrites.

Its no wonder that the Erotic Witch Project is one of the hottest movies available at Video Addicts. So if you haven't already got one, you best get to it as it is available in your choice of VHS or DVD.

Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.


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Dave Lewis, a non-recovering videophiliac, is constantly on the lookout for strange and unusual videos. If you have an independent film (with or without good production values) or know of a rare or unique film that may be good for review, please write:
Dave Video Addict, P.O. Box 1753, Aberdeen, WA 98520. Or, e-mail Dave at webmanabc@hotmail.com.

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