Worthy investments for any Videophiliac's library:
Dinosaur Valley Girls
From the warped mind of Donald F. Glut comes a film that reduces women to their simplest form: T&A -- all the while maintaining a clever story line filled with a variety of special effects that makes this much more than just another goofy skin-flick.
Here's the scoop: If you can watch a T&A movie in mixed company and the female of the species enjoys the film just as much as the guys, You've got yourself a bona-fide masterpiece. Dinosaur Valley Girls (1996) is such a film.
Not since George Pal's The Time Machine (1960 - Rod Taylor, Yvette Mimieux) has someone put together such a wide variety of entertainment in one package, with the added bonus of a diversified collection of bouncing boobs as far as the eye can see. You'll see time-travel, animatronic and stop-animation prehistoric dinosaurs, cavegirls to rival Raquel Welch's performance in One Million Years B. C. (1966) -- an obvious inspiration -- wild dance sequences with reptiles thrown-in for flavor -- not to mention two extra co-stars for every female member of the cast.
You will laugh -- not a hard belly laugh -- but definitely more than a polite giggle that you'd expect from a comedy of this magnitude.
Tony Markham (Jeff Rector), a flailing action actor who's career is begining to resemble the condition of his lungs due to increased stress and cigarrette habit, is having nightmares. Dreams about a beautiful woman with just a hint of animal skin to hide her naughty bits. With increasing frequency, his thoughts are interrupted with visions of the sexy cavegirl.
TV gossip personality, Daphne Adrian (Griffin Drew) wants to interview Tony to dispell any rumors that his career might be on its way out. He agrees but prior to the interview, seeks out Paleontologist, Dr. Benjamin Michaels (William Marshall) for clues to his prehistoric hauntings.
Dr. Michaels finds his story unique and escorts him to a secret storage room where unexplicable artifacts are stored. Artifacts that do not accurately match their carbon dating. The Doctor theorizes that there once existed a place where elements from different time periods gathered, leaving behind artifacts that are unexplainable. He calls the place, Dinosaur Valley.
Tony's attention is drawn to an ancient Caza talisman. Holding the talisman he closes his eyes and wishes that he "could be with her."
He wakes up in Dinosaur Valley, complete with a variety of dinosaurs (provided by SFX team Thomas R. Dickens and Pete Marinello) and habitat. He is first greeted by a group of cavemen led by macho-hunter, Beeg-Mak (Harrison Ray). The meeting is cut short by the invasion of Maka-Teega, the giant, man-eating dinosaur. Fleeing the scene, he trips over a giant bone and falls to the feet of none other than the beautiful Hea-Thor (Denise Ames) the sexy cavegirl of his dreams.
Hea-Thor escorts Tony to her cave dwelling that is obviously inhabited by women only. He says, "Where are the men, or is this a pre-historic sorority house?" They find it hard to understand each other as the primitives' use of language is minimal. They struggle to communicate with one another, although even these primitive cavegirls have a common expression that is still used today in the valley, "For sure." Tony is introduced to the Dinosaur Valley Girls, Tam-Mee (Arkeni), Mee-Shell (Donna Spangler), Bran-Dee (Nina Keliilki), Buf-Fee (Michelle Stanger), Deb-Bee (Staci Flood) and Bam-Bee (Lauren Vea).
The women used to co-habitate with the men but got tired of the brutal ways of Beeg-Mak and his thugs, so they split off and moved to their own cave. The cavegirl tribe's leader, Ro-Kell (Karen Black) happens onto the greeting and immediately recognizes Tony as a man -- instinctively, a threat -- and attacks him. Hea-Thor prevents the killing by explaining that she loves him. Ro-Kell is overcome with a nostalgic feeling and returns to her lair to reminisce about her love affair with the cavemen's leader Ur-So (Ed Fury).
The cavegirls are not fond of his cigarrette smoking, causing him to cut-back severely. Of course, being the only male in the group, he is expected to perform tooka-tooka on all of the girls. Tam-Mee throws him in the bushes while the other girls patiently wait their turn. After Buf-Fee, he exits the bushes and tries to explain to Bam-Bee that he can't go on like this because he, "Mak--a-loo-la (loves a lot) Hea-Thor." A catfight ensues between Buf-Fee and Bam-Bee.
Tony realizes that in order to survive these violent times, that he must train the chronologically-challenged babes, giving them the means to protect themselves. He teaches them to use primitive weapons, karate and kickboxing skills.
And there's plenty of thrills ahead as the cavemen ransack the dinosaur valley girl's home and take them into captivity in the style that is customary of the period... then there's the pre-historic bar-room brawl between the cavemen and the girls... several romantic subplots... not to forget the Rambo-esqe showdown between Tony and Beeg-Mac... nor the frequent attacks by prehistoric monsters by land and air... and Karen Black as you've never seen her before.
If you want to spend a quality buck-and-a-half watching a T&A comedy in mixed company, then you must get your hands on a copy of Dinosaur Valley Girls. If you can, spring for the Collectors' Edition that includes, The Making of Dinosaur Valley Girls, behind-the-scenes interviews and screen tests.
Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.
Vampires of Sorority Row
Dennis Devine delivers a vampire flick that offers the normal vampire action, with all the thrills of Upskirts.com. That's right, most of the cameramen had to crawl around on their bellies to give us those special views up the skirts of the primarily female cast. A real treat for upskirt fans around the world.
The film follows the plight of former small-town, trailer-park-resident, Cindy (co-director, Kathryn Glass) on her climb up the social ladder. After being accepted to a University, her next step is to try to become the member of a sorority. Her first choice is Alpha Beta Gamma. It's hell week and Cindy and three other potential pledges must endure wild antics and (borderline fetish) pranks in order to gain the 100 points needed to become a member -- all while maintaining zero contact with the male gender.
Unaware of the no contact order, John (Christian Catlin) invites Cindy to an upcoming frat party. Kickboxing honor guard, Mary (Rita Fiora) happens upon the scene and kicks John's ass.
Sultry vampiress, Lori (Xany) shows up at the house and starts to bite the sorority sisters in the butt, because the skin's softer there. Her first victim is Miffy (Kathryn Rogers) who's biggest complaint is that "Being a vampire really sucks!" because she can't see herself in the mirror in order to primp.
 Cindy get a heads-up on the growing vampire situation and tries to alert House Mistress Denise (Christine Lydon), to which Denise replies, "Show me a vampire and I'll shop at Target," sarcastically. Co-honor guard, Dee (Tatiana Turan) explains, "She loves shopping -- Hates Target." Miffy and Lori pounce into the room with vampire teeth exposed. Dee shouts, "There's a blue-light special on isle nine!" as the girls scurry.
New inductee Ashley (Erika Gardener) tries to warn the others about the vampires' fighting skills expressing their proficiency in kickboxing, "They're like, Kickboxers From Hell," (the film's subtitle).
Will Cindy and John be able to save the sorority and the University from being overrun by vampires? Will they find eternal life, or be reduced to trailer trash? There's much excitement ahead as they do battle with the evil forces of vampirism.
The comedic dialogue is precious and the timing of delivery is relatively fine. Clever one-liners and puns abound.
So, if you've ever crawled under the bleachers at school to peer up the dresses of unsuspecting young women, or get hypnotized by cheerleaders while squinting to see if you can catch a glimpse of their shorts, this flick is the cure for what ails ya.
Doctor Dave prescribes a heavy dose of Vampires of Sorority Row. Pick up your prescription today.
Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.
Revenge of Mr. Willie
From the mind of writer/director Kirk Bowman who brought us classic B comedy romps like CyberSex Kittens and Sex, Chocolate and Zombie Republicans, comes a bizarre, comedic tale about a severed penis bent on executing it's revenge.
Inspired by the teen-sci-fi/horror classic The Crawling Hand, circa 1963, Revenge of Mr. Willie (1999) has all the reverent homage references as well as plenty of eye candy (nudity) for voyeurs and wisecracks about men's privates as far as the eye can see.
In Revenge, a research team has been retained by Vonnie (Sandra Carole) to dig up information on the re-animation of dead tissue for her upcoming novel. Their investigation leads them to the abode of voodoo/tarot-reading medium Madame Borscht (Micheline Schwarzkopf) keeper of an ectoplasmic slime that can bring the dead back to life.
While examining the green zombie-goo, Taylor (Brandie Rocci) accidently spills a portion on her lap. Disgruntled about the accident and weary of the intensity of the research project, Taylor decides to take a few hours off, to pay a visit to her self-proclaimed stud/boyfriend, Pete (Mike Habusch). Little does she know that while he's told her that he has been sick with a cold, he and his little friend (whom she affectionately refers to as Mr. Willie) have been making every other woman in sight.
Meanwhile, Tasha (Cari Schechere) is keeping his sickbed warm, while Pete takes a reprieve in the garage with Marney (Diane Alouise). After returning from the garage, Tasha makes a crack about his inability to keep it up and he instantly becomes alert for another round with her.
There's knock at the door. It's Taylor with chicken soup. He tries to talk her into leaving, but when she suggests that maybe Mr. Willie's to tired to come out and play, he drops everything just to prove that he can get it up "any time, anywhere." They do it on the living room floor where Pete suffers a heart attack and dies atop Taylor.
Trapped under the dead man's body, Taylor's cries for help gain the attention of Taylor and Marney. After wriggling herself from underneath Pete, a catfight ensues with a knife, resulting in the accidental dismemberment of Mr. Willie.
Detective Buck (Albert Pennywhistle) is on the case and has determined that although the victim seems to have died of natural causes, there appears to have been foul play due to the missing body part. The women are dumbfounded by the disappearance of Mr. Willie, while Detective Buck is suspicious that one of them may be holding the "evidence" as some sort of "sick trophy."
Later that night, Taylor tries to explain to Samantha (Michelle Eib) that she cut her boyfriend's dick off. All of a sudden, Taylor's purse starts to jiggle and gyrate... she dumps out the contents and the vengeful, re-animated Mr. Willie attacks the women by scooting itself around and flying through the air! The airborne penis gets caught in Taylor's hair (like a bat) which enables the capture of Mr. Willie in a can.
The next day, while Detective Buck is interrogating Marney (while delivering her Sharon Stone-inspired crotch-shot performance) the research team shows up with Mr. Willie restrained within a coffee can. After the interrogation, Dr. Buck opens the can, only to find that Mr. Willie has switched himself with a lipstick and once again given them the slip.
Mr. Willie has hitched a ride with Marney -- who returns to Pete's apartment which she decides to share with Tasha because he's paid his rent six months in advance. They also plan to max-out the dead man's credit cards on a frenzied shopping spree. Mr. Willie tries to thwart their plans by first drowning Tasha in the bathtub. Marney comes to the rescue and disrupts his plan, so he makes a break for it.
Mr. Willie crashes a women's retreat, where his is captured and pierced before making his escape, to once again return to Taylor's aprtment to terrorize Taylor and her roommates.
Does Madame Borscht hold the key to returning Mr. Willie to his non-living status and will she be able to provide the solution prior to the extinction of all of Pete's former lovers?
Bowman doesn't stop there, he's also included a sex-starved-nympho who likes to make men beg, an assortment of high jinks -- if watching a severed penis drive a toy car across a woman's bare ass doesn't give you a giggle, I don't know what will -- and a barrel full o' cosmic complications with the underworld to boot.
Kirk Bowman makes a cameo appearance, the stand-out soundtrack includes Super Chick and Get Around by Piss Ant and to top it off, the film has many homages to teen-scare-o-rama films. My favorite was 1958's The Fly, where Mr. Willie gets caught in a spider web and cries, "Help me. Help me!" a classic cheeselover's moment.
You can get a copy of your very own by Clicking Here. Hey, you can even get a taste of Mr. Willie by clicking here to view the mini-movie.
Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.
Wonderguy
Renegade ex-Disney artist, Murad Gumen, who has worked with cartoon media, the likes of Cracked, Playboy and Heavy Metal which appear on his respectable resume of work, brings his own accidental superhero to the table in an impressive, live-action film of his own rendering, Wonderguy.
Originally a comic book creation of his own design, Gumen stars as the superhero of the film adaptation of his whimsical fabrication.
The film opens with a dyn-o-mite animated cartoon intro and song, just clues to what's in store ahead.
We are introduced to the film's villain, Worlock Prime (Thomas Groves) and his Renfield-esque sidekick Imir (Vinny Grillo) who are preparing for the highlight of Prime's evil career. At his next Black Sabbath, he will gather all the witches of his coven together to call forth the almighty Demon from Hell (Dennis Kyriakos) to begin his season of terror thus beginning the reign of Prime's plan for world conquest.
The ceremony is a success and the Demon appears although Prime has set in motion an evil loose cannon that not even he can control. Loris (Pilar Uribe) and Carol (Ann Osmond), a pair of witches with a sudden case of conscience, decide to conjure-up a potion that will turn an average, ordinary fellow into a superhero to help battle the Demon and derail Prime's evil plan.
In a severe case of wrong-guy-in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time, the powers are accidentally bestowed upon clumsy office worker/nerd Darnell Decker (Murad Gumen).
Darnell tries out his new-found superpowers by catching falling objects, visiting the boxing ring, discovering that he possesses superstrength, lazer-fingers, X-ray vision and superspeed.
 Loris is captured by Prime and tortured by Imir until she tells of their counter-plot. Aware of the opposition, Prime sets out to recruit criminal underlings.
Proud of his superpowers, Darnell tells his parents about them, his mother (Jegana Martin) -- who thinks he's fantasizing -- goes off on how great it would be if he really did have super powers; Think of all the wonderful deeds you could do, like all the chores, think of all the freetime we would have if Darnell could do everything and we didn't have to do anything... Darnell imagines that this could well be the response of anyone who learned of his superpowers, so he realizes the need to keep them a secret.
So, he downplays it and his mum reassures him that, "we think you're a wonderful guy, anyway." He says, "Yeah, Wonderful Guy." So he heads off to the costume shop, buys a 99-cent mask, leotards and a cape. He fashions himself his Wonderful Guy superhero outfit.
Carol approaches Darnell and confesses about her being a recreational witch, informs him of Prime's evil plan and tells him of the heavy responsibility that he has to save the world with his superpowers. She also warns that the potion was an imperfect one, which may cause his powers to unexpectedly fade without notice... He also decides to go by Wonderguy, as Wonderful Guy, could seem too egotistical.
The battle between good and evil has begun and there are many foes to be challenged with special effects aplenty. If you're a fan of the SuperHero genre, this film will not be discouraging. You'll appreciate all the comic-book-inspired super-hero banter, the light-hearted tale (a la Greatest American Hero) and great special effects and costumes -- the Demon being my favorite.
Do your part in saving the world by getting a copy to call your own. You'll be glad you did.
Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.
Savage Abduction
Drive-in fans from the seventies will remember back-in-the-day, when we used have to get in the car to go watch a bad B movie and be pleased as hell to know that one of those infamous hitchhikerbabe/motorcycle/rape/murder classics has finally hit home video.
The John Lawrence Drive-in classic freak-fest originally titled Cycle Psycho has been released to video under its alternate title, Savage Abduction (1972).
In the film, Attorney Richard Reinlander hires a weird-ass eccentric who has just inherited his mother's estate, to off his wife. The recent heir, Harvey, agrees to off the wife without renumeration on one condition: that he can do anything that he wants to her, pre- or post-mortum. Reinlander agrees, so one day, while at work, someone breaks into his home, viciously murders, dismembers, then rapes his wife.
Alfred Hitchcock has trained us to listen for the other shoe, when one has conceived the perfect murder, so here it is:
Harvey calls a meeting with Reinlander. It appears that Harvey has just come to the realization that he is a necrophiliac. Now that he's gotten a taste for it, he desires more. If Reinlander does not deliver a pair of young girls to him to murder and rape in a single setting, then Harvey will blow the whistle on Reinlander.
Reinlander looks over his client list and notes a biker/leader of a motorcycle gang who could really use the money to pay for his defense and to live on. Harvey has agreed to pay $10,000 for two pretty girls in perfect condition.
The leader of the gang, Chelsea (Stephen Oliver), turns down the offer cold. Back at the gang's hideout (where they are living without the owners' knowledge or consent) Chelsea's ol' lady, Doreen, tells him that they really need some "bread" (slang for money) for drugs, booze and food (in order of importance). Chelsea approaches the gang with a scenario whereby they can earn a whopping ten grand, then he changes the story a bit to be more palatable.
The re-constructed proposal is that the gang is to supply two young girls for delivery to a white slavery ring, for which they are willing to pay $5,000 a piece for each one. A one shot deal, then, "we're set for life." Sounds simple enough, plus they live in Los Angeles, California. Hundreds of small-town chicks show up every day seeking fame and fortune. Who's gonna miss just two of 'em?
So Irish and Romeo mount their hogs (Harley Davidsons) and go looking for some fresh meat.
Jenny and Faye, a couple o' 17-year-old debutantes, get off the bus to stay with Jenny's aunt in Hollywood, who is at the hospital with her husband due to a foot injury. While the mouse is away... Jenny and Faye take it on their own to see the bright lights and the big city... so they do what any self-respectin' teenager, new to town would do... they stand on the street and stick out their thumbs to hail a ride from anyone willin' to give 'em a lift (which some old folks refer to as 'hitchhiking').
 The lucky chiquitas get rides from Irish and Romeo. The girls have decided that they would like a lift to the hospital, which is no-problemo as far as the guys are concerned.
Now in captivity, Doreen gets jealous of the pretty girls, thinkin' that Chelsea wants to nail 'em, and starts to yell at him in front of the gang. So there's nothin' left for Chelsea to do, but drag her off to the bedroom and beat the holy bee-jeezus out'a her.
What lies ahead for Jenny and her virgin-friend? What does the motorcycle gang have in mind for the girls prior to delivery? What does the "sex freak" have in store for them? Will the attorney ever be rid of Harvey's twisted compulsions?
The answers to all these, and more are available by viewing Savage Abduction in its entirety. If your local video store doesn't have one that you can rent, you're certainly invited to obtain an authentic copy for yourself, via the Video Addicts Hotline.
Have you seen this movie? Tell us what you thought and share with other Video Addicts, or send an e-mail to thoughts@videoaddicts.com with the film's title in the SUBJECT line.
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Dave Lewis, a non-recovering videophiliac, is constantly on the lookout for
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